Humor Quotes
1. If it weren’t for my lawyer, I’d still be in prison. It went a lot faster with two people digging.
2. Acquaintance, n.: A person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not well enough to lend to.
3. I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
4. The difference between death and taxes is death doesn’t get worse every time Congress meets.
5. You know you’re getting old when you stop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.
6. Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
7. Those are my principles. If you don’t like them I have others.
8. Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, there is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped.
9. Quidquid latine dictum sit, altum sonatur. (Whatever is said in Latin sounds profound.)
10. The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found.
11. The tooth fairy teaches children that they can sell body parts for money.
12. My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don’t really know me.
13. I don’t deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don’t deserve that either.
14. I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.
15. If God wanted us to fly, He would have given us tickets.
16. If I only had a little humility, I’d be perfect.
17. When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
18. The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you’ve got it made.
19. Hofstadter’s Law: It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take into account Hofstadter’s Law.
20. Honest criticism is hard to take, particularly from a relative, a friend, an acquaintance, or a stranger.
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